At some point, everyone hits a breaking point. Despite unrealistic expectations about patience and helping others first, we often just get tired of the way things are going in life. Unfortunately, the realization that life has to change is often met with feelings of failure and guilt. This stops us from taking the actions we need to live a life that aligns with our values and needs. One way to make progress is by giving yourself grace and realizing that unrealistic expectations of yourself will hurt you in the long run. In this post, you will learn how small shifts in thinking can help you make decisions that will help you accept imperfection, reach your goals, and thrive.
It can take a while to realize you're not the problem
When I first started the New York City Psychotherapy Collective, I knew all the things I didn’t want.
I knew from years of experience that toxic environments, abusive leaders, and a cycle of mismanagement did not work for clients who were already struggling. You can read “How Did We End Up Here?” for a refresher on some of the heartbreak I carried leaving my old school.
As an employee, I felt knocked down by those things. As I drifted further and further from loving my work, I thought about my clients constantly. If I, someone who was financially stable, well-educated, and not dealing with any major turmoil in my life, was feeling defeated and burned out, how did my clients in crisis feel?
Why giving yourself grace can be so hard
I found myself becoming less and less asset-based in my thinking. I was focusing less on what strengths people brought to the table and more on obstacles.
That’s not me.
Finally, after many (MANY) conversations with friends, colleagues, and mentors, I took a step back from being in the thick of it and realized some things.
To borrow from an ancient Jewish teaching:
“You are not obligated to complete the work,
but neither are you free to desist from it”
I tend to think that I have to:
fix everything
succeed always
have the answers for everyone else
My struggle lies not in neglecting the work. Instead, my struggle is remembering that it is not solely up to me to finish it. I was used to being my worst critic.
Giving myself some grace and space to not have the answers and change course anyway is not something I was used to.
Taking the first small step in being kind to yourself
I was struggling under the weight of thinking, “I can’t do this anymore.” I was feeling like a failure who was abandoning students, families, and colleagues whom I loved.
But, a wise friend pointed out something crucial:
When I kept saying I can’t do “this,” I wasn’t talking about working in education, social work, and advocacy. Instead, it meant struggling under distracted and disorganized leadership and doing haphazard work that did not serve clients’ needs or goals.
This difference is key.
Giving yourself grace is about balancing imperfection with taking action to make your situation better. Wanting work that aligns with your purpose and values is completely reasonable. Additionally, it is okay if a personal or professional arrangement stops working for you. Changing directions does not make you a failure. Giving yourself permission to change increases the chances you will be happy and successful.
Emotional intelligence is key to helping yourself and others
So what do I want?
I want clients to be seen first and foremost as complete, whole people who bring a variety of strengths to a situation. That is not to say that people don’t have real problems and struggles that need to be addressed.
But, by starting with the strengths, it is a lot easier to see solutions rather than additional barriers.
The way to make this happen is for leaders, particularly those in educational and social services settings, to truly understand emotional intelligence.
Most people have heard of it. Some know that they want to have it. Pretty much everyone wants others to have it. However, it can be difficult to pin down what emotional intelligence looks like in practice.
Why we need emotional intelligence for change to happen
People with emotional intelligence make changes based on the impact they have on others. They don't continue to do things their way, regardless of effect. Emotional intelligence involves 2 main parts:
Learning to listen without an agenda.
This means truly listening to what another person is saying and potentially adjusting your opinion or response based on that.
Practicing empathy.
This means consciously putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and looking at a situation from their perspective.
Emotional Intelligence starts with self-awareness. Do you really see the ways in which you interact with the world and the impact you have on it? If so, do you regulate that?
If you aren’t sure how to make any or all of those changes, ask for help.
There is no weakness in trying to become better at what you do. That help may come from:
a colleague you think does this well.
a leader who can dedicate professional time to supporting you.
an external leadership coach.
a qualified therapist.
Giving yourself grace is a gift and a work in progress
I’ve personally experienced how hard it is to change your mindset, approach, and path.
Through this journey, I have come back to a place where I can start by appreciating all of the courage it takes for a client to decide to make a change. I don’t automatically start by focusing on how many things we should start changing.
It’s a subtle shift in perspective, but I see how it benefits both me and those I work with.
How will you give yourself grace when life gets hard?
Tough times often force us to look at who we are and what we really need. During these times, it is essential to realize that you do not have to be perfect. It is also important to acknowledge feeling overwhelmed and that a situation no longer suits you.
Not being perfect or deciding it is time for a change does not mean you are bad at something or a failure. It means that things have to change for you to have a purpose-filled life that does not wear you out. Unrealistic expectations will not serve you or the people you can about. Instead, view imperfection and change part of your journey.
Which fear of failure is keeping you from starting?
The therapists at New York City Psychotherapy Collective can help you give yourself grace and permission so you can stop feeling stuck and start thriving.
Follow the steps below to get started:
Click here to share some information about you so that we can match you with the perfect therapist for your needs.
Have a low-pressure, 20-minute call with your therapist to make sure they are the right fit.
Schedule your first session and start on your journey to feeling better right away.
We offer specialized services for related issues like Anxiety, Depression, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and Therapy Specifically for Young Adults. We can help you feel less overwhelmed, more relaxed, and more like the self you want to be.