A lot of us social distanced from others last year, but not our partner, and it revealed strengths and weaknesses in our relationships pretty quickly! It showed how we handle stress and conflict, and potentially highlighted issues that we may not have discovered for months or years under normal circumstances. While this may sound frightening, it can actually be a great opportunity to observe and adjust preemptively instead of waiting until patterns and habits have become ingrained. Often, when couples come to counseling, it’s because of an issue that was present from the start but either wasn’t realized for a long time, or wasn’t addressed. If couples would come to counseling in the beginning stages of their relationships, not the end, so many of these behaviors could be adjusted early on. For example, if one or both of you is concerned about finances now, you might have differing opinions on reducing takeout costs, subscriptions, or the heating bill, in ways that never had to be discussed before. Or perhaps one or both of you is now making regular video calls to friends and family in a small space, when before you were not together constantly and could time these calls differently.
No matter what the specific issue is, there will be conflict during intense together time. One way it can make you stronger is by coming up with strategies to work together, not against each other. For example, if you have a pet, you can make them the office scapegoat, saying things like, “Did you see Rocky left his dishes in the sink again? We should totally report him to HR.” This kind of joke can defuse the tension but also name that dishes need to be cleaned on a regular basis now that you’re both home more. Another strategy is to keep to a general schedule and eat lunch together away from screens and without your phones. Treat this as if it’s a real lunch date on a break from both of your offices. Talk about things that aren’t work related. As much as possible, you will both benefit form keeping boundaries on your time that are similar to your previous everyday lives so that your brains can take breaks when they need to.
There are also things that may be revealed during this time that show you that it’s time to end this relationship. If while you are both home for the same amount of time and doing the same amount of work, you find that your partner expects you to take on 100% of the household labor, you will likely start to feel resentment. If a calm and reasonable conversation doesn’t lead to changes in these expectations, you may need to examine what you and your partner see your roles as in the relationship at large. If they are misaligned and both of you are steadfast in your beliefs, you may realize it’s time to part ways. If one or both of you finds yourself blaming the other out of a need for someone to be responsible for things that are out of anyone’s control, or if you and your partner are arguing during this time of stress in a way that is more frequent, more insulting, or more violent, and one or both of you is unwilling or unable to change these behaviors, it is time to end this relationship and seek an alternative living situation.
If you’re struggling to gain perspective on your current situation, reach out to one of the therapists at the New York City Psychotherapy Collective and we will match you with the perfect fit for your needs right now.
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