Do you keep waiting to be happy until you have the life of your dreams? Are you working hard to get all your ducks in a row so everything will be perfectly in place in life and you can finally enjoy yourself? Do you feel like there is a list of tasks you need to cross off before having what you want in life? Stop! You don't have to wait until you have enough, feel like enough, have accomplished enough, and have met all the other "enoughs" in your mind to find joy and fulfillment in life.
Life is not an endless report card, and seeking perfection will never lead to the fulfillment you want in life. We want to help you start enjoying your life and feeling fulfilled now—yes, even amid all the chaos in the world. We believe that living your best life, finding joy, and experiencing true fulfillment doesn't come from what is happening around you; it comes from within.
If you are sick and tired of waiting for [fill in the demands of the mean girl in your head] to experience the life you want, the following tips are for you. The strategies below will help you move toward finding the fulfillment and joy you want to experience.
1. Accept that external circumstances will not fulfill you
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking our happiness comes from our circumstances and the people in our lives. We feel happy when work is going well and our relationships are healthy. We have the cute new kitten to play with and moved into the slightly larger apartment. It's easy to be happy when everything seems to be going our way, but what happens when it doesn't?
We cannot rely on outside circumstances and people to fulfill us and make us happy. People are going to disappoint us because no one is perfect. Many external events are outside our control, as much of what has happened over the past couple of years has shown us. If we're counting on these things to keep us happy, life will feel like an emotional rollercoaster. We're happy and fulfilled when the things around us are good and crumple into an emotional mess when things take a turn for the worse.
It's time to take back control of your life and your happiness. Finding fulfillment in life is your responsibility, and that's a good thing! It means you can achieve that level of steadiness you desperately want in life.
2. Learn to identify your needs
Part of finding joy and fulfillment in life is knowing what we need to feel our best. If we aren't purposeful in making sure our needs are met, no one else will do it for us.
Do you feel your best when you take time to exercise and meditate in the morning? Then don't jump on your phone to start checking your work email the second your eyes pop open.
Do you need a work environment where you can set your schedule and work at your own pace? Then take advantage of the Great Resignation and find a job that meets your needs instead of staying stuck in a workplace culture that doesn't support what you need to do your best work.
These are just a couple of examples, but consider what things you need to feel your best and then work to add and protect those things in your life.
3. Determine how you want to be treated
We may not be able to control the actions of others, but we most certainly have control over how we allow others to treat us. It's up to us if we allow people to guilt us into doing things we don't want to do. We can confront those who talk to us inappropriately. And we can set clear guidelines around how we allow others to behave around us.
If you don't like how your partner, friends, or family are behaving, don't allow it in your life. You can set boundaries around what is and is not acceptable to you. If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries, you can limit the time you spend with them and the impact they have on your life. In some cases, you may need to end the relationship entirely for your mental health and wellness.
4. Identify your values and then align your life with them
Often we feel unfulfilled when our lives are misaligned. We are doing all the things we think we "should" be doing, yet we feel an emptiness. We work harder to achieve more, but the feeling remains. It doesn't matter how many things we cross off our list; we still feel unfulfilled.
If you struggle to find joy and meaning in life, it's time to look at where your life is misaligned. The problem with this is that many women have never taken the time to think about what their values are for their life, or they have a long list of values and have never whittled it down to determine the most important ones. This process requires you to be authentic and raw with yourself. You cannot allow yourself to be swayed by what values those around you think are important or allow the "shoulds" to take control. Then, you will end up with a list of values that don't truly matter to you, and you will continue to live misaligned.
5. Embrace your emotions - even the difficult ones
It's important to accept we're going to feel unhappy at times, and it's okay. We need to allow ourselves to feel our true feelings. Feeling fulfilled in life is not always about being happy, and operating on that myth can cause us to miss years of fulfillment while chasing happiness.
We should consider happiness as an emotion that ebbs and flows, like hunger. No matter how many times we eat, we will eventually become hungry again. Similarly, no matter how many times we achieve moments of happiness through our actions and thought processes, we will lose that feeling of happiness again at some point. The goal is to be able to regularly come back to the things that make us happy and create overall consistency in our lives, not daily perfection.
There are a lot of horrible wrongs that happen in the world, which causes us to experience a lot of difficult emotions. We feel fear, sadness, anger, and grief over the injustices that occur all too often. If we try to pretend that we're not feeling those emotions, we're lying to ourselves.
The difficult emotions don't need to stand in our way of finding fulfillment in life. Think of the woman who works daily fighting for social justice. She experiences difficult emotions regularly as she sees the injustice all around her, yet she experiences fulfillment and joy in her work because it aligns with her values. She can experience different, seemingly conflicting emotions all at the same time.
Don't be afraid to feel your feelings. Instead, allow yourself space to experience and embrace all of your emotions, even if they are co-occurring.
6. Show yourself grace
High functioning anxiety can lead us to feel unhappy and unfulfilled when we feel like we're not exceeding the expectations we set for ourselves. When life feels like one long list of requirements, and we feel like we're never doing enough or getting it right, it's a sign we're allowing that anxiety to control us.
No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. There is a big difference between the pursuit of excellence and perfection. When we pursue perfection, we usually get burnt out or feel like we failed. Pursuing excellence allows us to feel good about doing our best, even when everything isn't perfect.
We tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on others. If you live with perfectionism, strive to show yourself the same grace you would extend to a friend in your position. You can be happy and enjoy your life even when you're not excelling in every area or at the place you thought you'd be at this age.
7. Push past your fear
Fear is a powerful motivator. We stay in unhappy situations—from bad relationships to toxic workplaces—simply because we allow our fear to control our decisions. It's important to accept that fear will never go away; it's one of the basic human emotions; however, if we want to live stable, steady, fulfilled lives, we can't allow our emotions to control us.
Fear is not good or bad; it's simply a feeling. Dig deeper into the feeling if you start to feel afraid as you work toward finding fulfillment and happiness in life. Why are you feeling scared? Where is the emotion coming from? What is at the root of your fear?
Working through these questions can help you move forward even if the feeling doesn't go away. Fear can be disproportionate to the actual risk of a situation, meaning it's not wise to follow fear when making decisions. For example, it may feel a little scary to make a career change or end a relationship that is comfortable at best, but it may be a necessary step toward finding fulfillment.
Find support for your journey
We understand making these types of foundational changes in your life can feel overwhelming, so we are here to support you through the process. The New York City Psychotherapy Collective has licensed therapists that provide online counseling all over New York state to help you start enjoying the dream life you've designed.
Follow the steps below to get started:
Click here to share some information about you so that we can match you with the perfect therapist for your needs.
Have a low-pressure, 20-minute call with your therapist to make sure they are the right fit.
Schedule your first session and start on your journey to feeling better right away.
We offer specialized services for related issues like Anxiety, Depression, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and Therapy Specifically for Young Adults. We can help you feel less overwhelmed, more relaxed, and more like the self you want to be.