Why do New Year’s Resolutions fail for so many of us?
Resolutions fail when we do what someone else tells us we should, rather than what feels aligned to our true core selves.
The Importance of Defining Your Values
Many of us go through our days checking the boxes of what we think we’re meant to be doing, without really stopping to consider why. There are an endless number of sources, whether they be media, our religions, or childhood messaging, that have taught us and continue to reinforce the things they think we should value. We often think that if we act in accordance with those values, we should be happy and fulfilled, but find ourselves wondering why we’re still feeling empty.
As therapists, we see this in our clients constantly and we also see the inner turmoil that can be caused by living in alignment with values that are not our own. So many clients come to us saying things like, “I’m doing all the right things, but I still don’t feel fulfilled,” or, “On paper my life is exactly what I’ve always wanted, but I still have a sense of longing and emptiness.” If you feel similarly, it might be because you’re living in alignment with someone else’s values, or out of touch with your own. With all of this mixed messaging, it can be hard to identify which values align with our true selves, our views, and the ways that we want to be living our lives, not the way someone else wants us to live them.
Clarifying Questions to Ask Yourself
So, now that we understand that values misalignment can cause unhappiness and discomfort in our lives, where do we go from here? How do we define our own values and break free from the life we’ve been told we should be living? First, we recommend nonjudgmentally exploring and understanding yourself. Here are a few questions to start better understanding what truly matters to you:
What moments or situations can you identify in your life where you felt true, genuine joy or fulfillment?
What tasks leave you feeling unsatisfied, or uncomfortable?
What are the most important things to you?
If money weren’t a factor, what would you spend your time doing?
What are you doing when you feel most consumed and enthralled, in a positive way?
Exercises to Support Your Value Exploration
Journaling: Many people find that writing down the way they feel can help release the negative feelings from their minds and bodies, and help them feel relief. The same can happen with value work! To start, write down the questions above and let your thoughts out onto the page in a free association. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make the journal entry perfect, or even to make the writing make sense. All you have to do is allow yourself to explore the way you feel about each question and what it brings up for you. You may be surprised how quickly you realize certain situations or people do not align with your personal values, and that many of the ways you’ve been living are based on the values of someone or something else.
Meditation: In our daily lives, moments of quiet reflection are hard to come by. Creating that space intentionally and allowing yourself a moment of silence and peace may be extremely helpful in figuring out what exactly you value and why. If you want to meditate on a specific topic, try saying that topic or question out loud prior to starting your meditation, then let your mind explore it as you sit quietly and comfortably for a set amount of time. Even 3 minutes of meditation a day can be exponentially beneficial to your value exploration.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness and meditation often go hand in hand, and can both be helpful in identifying values. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and acknowledging your thoughts or feelings, without judgment. This can be helpful when it comes to value identification because it enables you to assess your reactions to situations in real time and identify whether or not they are in alignment with your values and the way you want to be living. Some people find it helpful when faced with a difficult situation or a situation in which uncomfortable feelings arise, to stop and create a moment of mindfulness by asking themselves:
“What is the feeling I’m having right now?”
“How do I know?”
“What does this feeling feel like in my body and mind?”
“Where is this sensation coming from?”
This opportunity to remain present and mindful of your emotions and explore them while experiencing them can help you identify and align with your values in a clear way.
Potential Additional Benefits from Values Exploration and Identification
Body Confidence: A lack of body confidence can be fueled by comparison to others, comparison to media, and the thought that you should be something or someone other than yourself. Many people find that when they sit down and really assess what’s important to them and the things they want to work towards, fitting into a certain mold of stereotypical beauty isn't on the list. Making this realization that trying to change your body is actually in alignment with the goals of capitalism, or consumer culture, rather than your own intrinsic values, can help relieve some of the negative self-talk and negative feelings towards your body.
Goal-Setting: Once you understand what you value in your life, it becomes much easier to actually set attainable goals and feel fulfilled in accomplishing them. Many people set goals that they think will give them accolades, or make their parents proud (regardless of their age), but then find themselves feeling empty or lost. This is often because their goals are not in alignment with their personal values. As you identify your values, you can more clearly set goals that are representative of what you have deemed important in your life and not based on what others have told you matter. Once you’ve identified your own personal values and are ready to take action, we recommend using SMART goals when building a plan to ensure that they feel achievable and genuine.
Improved Sense of Self: When grappling with value misalignment, you may feel a weakened or confused sense of self. Many people seek therapy because they are struggling to figure out who they really are and what their purpose is. Just by the act of asking what your values are, you are amplifying your own voice and quieting the noise of other’s opinions, allowing your true inner voice to shine through. As you do so, you may notice that you will feel a stronger sense of self, which can contribute to reduced feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and emptiness. Identifying one’s values can set the groundwork for knowing who you are and improving the quality of your sense of self.
Work Through This Value Exploration with a Therapist
As therapists, we are trained to help you explore these topics and figure out what you really value and how to live in alignment with those values. Talking out the confusion with a therapist is one of the best ways to feel validated and loved while exploring this process. While we are great listeners, the process of therapy goes beyond asking, “How do you feel about that?” and we are trained to ask probing questions to help you dig deeper into the parts of yourself you may never have known how to access before.
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