The past two years have been challenging for everyone, and we have all worked to deal with the impact of the constant uncertainty of the world in our own way. We worked to do our best to remain optimistic despite the rollercoaster of emotional situations placed in our path. As a result, many of us are experiencing overwhelm and burnout in 2022.
The constant battle of remaining upbeat, cheery, and maintaining a positive outlook through each variant announcement, canceled activity we were looking forward to, or argument we listened to on the news has taken a toll. While the goal of remaining "positive no matter what" was meant to be a healthy coping mechanism for us, it has backfired and showed us the truth of toxic positivity.
We don't live in a fairy-tale world where we can be happy and positive all the time. Fear, anxiety, and other difficult emotions shouldn't be dismissed or denied. Instead, we need to learn to embrace each feeling in a way that best serves us and allows us to move forward healthy in mind and body.
What is toxic positivity?
Medical News Today defines toxic positivity as "an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic."
We don't allow ourselves to feel any emotions other than happiness or gratitude. We don't let ourselves acknowledge or recognize there are complex and difficult emotions that can exist within us simultaneously. Instead of allowing these emotions to coexist, we ignore and hide the negative emotions in an effort to remain always happy, always positive.
When we choose toxic positivity, we say things like the following to ourselves and others:
Everything happens for a reason.
It could be worse.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Just choose to smile and keep going.
We just have to focus on the good things happening.
If we catch ourselves continually trying to steer ourselves and others back to the positive aspect of a situation, regardless of the reality of the problem, we may be struggling with toxic positivity.
Why is toxic positivity a bad thing?
If this is an area that you struggle with or you feel comes naturally to you, you're probably wondering why it's a big deal or a bad thing to always be positive. Isn't it better for us to be positive than negative?
We must understand there is a difference between having a positive outlook on life and feeling that everything has to have a positive spin. When we only acknowledge the good and fail to recognize the difficult, negative, and tough reality in situations, it can lead to problems for our own emotional wellness and negatively impact those around us.
When we shut down any negative emotion, we don't actually make it disappear. We close the metaphorical closet door on it, but the specter of it looms behind the door, growing scarier and stronger in our minds precisely because we aren't addressing it. Eventually, these negative emotions will take a toll on us that we can't ignore anymore. We may notice it in our thoughts, behaviors, or physical health.
When we try to force those around us to keep a positive outlook despite negative situations, we can undermine the reality of what they're feeling, leading them to feel even worse.
Examples of toxic positivity
Take the example of the messaging that emerged when the pandemic began, and everyone was in quarantine. We were told to use our time wisely by cleaning out our closets, learning to make sourdough bread, developing a new skill, or learning a new language.
That sounds like a good use of unplanned downtime, but when you add in that we were in the midst of an unprecedented global pandemic, it didn't make sense to all of us. For those whose jobs disappeared, whose incomes changed drastically, or who just weren't feeling excited about those ideas and could only focus on getting through the day while keeping anxiety and depression at bay, those ideas felt like one more thing they couldn't manage.
Why do we need to embrace difficult feelings?
We need to learn how to understand feelings and deal with negative emotions in a healthy way instead of trying to pretend they don't exist.
It's helpful to think of the expression "sunlight is the best disinfectant." When we bring things into the light by acknowledging them, we can examine them and gain a greater understanding of where they are coming from and the impact they have. When we do this with memories, emotions, or fears about the future, it removes some of the power and control we feel they hold over us.
Acknowledging our genuine emotions and feelings also allows us to determine the best steps to process them and continue forward in life.
We can use the everyday example of finances and debt. If you have a lot of debt, such as student loans or credit cards, you may have a lot of negative emotions around it, such as embarrassment, shame, and fear. As a result, you may be tempted to ignore looking at your finances as much as possible to avoid those difficult feelings. However, you can't accurately make a plan to work on paying off your debt when you try to pretend it doesn't exist.
The same is true for difficult feelings in general. When we push them down, ignore them, or pretend they aren't there, they don't go away, and we're not able to take steps to move past them until we acknowledge that they exist.
Coping strategies for negative feelings and emotions
If you struggle with toxic positivity, the following coping strategies can help you learn to embrace your positive and negative emotions.
The "yes, and" technique
One excellent strategy for accepting and balancing the seemingly conflicting emotions we feel at any given time is the old improv standby of "yes, and." For example, "I am anxious about the future, and I feel some excitement at the hope things will improve."
This coping technique helps us give ourselves permission to hold what seem like conflicting truths simultaneously. It allows us to eliminate the tension and provide space for all of our negative and positive emotions, and to be able to feel the full spectrum of human emotions.
Naming and accepting
If we're in the habit of quickly pushing difficult emotions aside, we can start to struggle with knowing what feelings we're truly experiencing. Instead of ignoring them, determine what they are and allow yourself to "feel your feelings" so you can understand them.
Are you feeling anxious because of uncertainty in a situation?
Are you disappointed because something didn't turn out as you expected?
Do you feel angry because someone mistreated you or let you down?
Have you experienced a loss that has left you feeling sad or hopeless?
Once you realize your feelings, don't judge yourself for them. Accept that those emotions are what you're experiencing right now, and it's OK.
Give journaling a try
It's easier for some people to get in touch with their feelings through the writing process. Grab a journal, open a notebook, or start typing. Let the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing freely flow out of you onto the page. As one connects to the next as you write, you may gain valuable insight into your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Therapy can help you embrace and process emotions and feelings
Life is complicated, and we have all faced new challenges over the past two years. When the situations we face become difficult and the results are out of our control, it can be tempting to put on rose-colored glasses and pretend everything is wonderful. But remember, it’s easy to miss red flags when you’re looking at the world through tinted lenses.
If you feel the pressure to put a positive spin on everything in your life, it may be time to work with one of our NYC online therapists to learn healthy strategies for processing the difficult emotions you're feeling. Reach out to the New York City Psychotherapy Collective right now, and we'll match you with the perfect therapist for your needs.
Follow the steps below to get started:
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Have a low-pressure, 20-minute call with your therapist to make sure they are the right fit.
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We offer specialized services for related issues like Anxiety, Depression, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and Therapy Specifically for Young Adults. We can help you feel less overwhelmed, more relaxed, and more like the self you want to be.