Relationships are complicated, right? We've all heard that and likely experienced it, and it's not just romantic relationships; relationships with our parents, colleagues, friends, and anyone we interact with regularly can bring up challenges. While it’s true that relationships can be hard, it reaches a whole new level when the relationship is with a narcissist. The usual rules and tactics for making communication work go out the window. If you're trying to manage life with a narcissist, you need an entirely new playbook.
What is narcissism?
The word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot. Society and the media like to "diagnose" people as narcissists based on our perception of their behavior. However, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health personality disorder. It is not an adjective we should use to describe a person's behavior.
Society attaches the word "narcissist" to people who have strong egos or who show extreme confidence, but the true definition of narcissist goes much deeper than that.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5) explains NPD as a "pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy."
Here are some of the common traits of someone living with NPD:
Exaggerate their accomplishments in life and remember things they did as better than they were
Make everything about them and monopolize the conversation
Extremely jealous in relationships
Feel entitled to the best of everything
Inability to accept responsibility for their wrongs
Blame others for everything
Does not recognize or understand the feelings of others
Fixates on appearances and what others think of them
Craves attention and admiration from others
Narcissists come across as being highly confident to others, but it's a facade. Inwardly, they tend to struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem. They desperately want to be perfect and experience negative emotions because they aren't. As a result, they are easily offended by others and often twist the words of others to fit their own agenda.
Examples of how a narcissist shows up in your life
Here are some examples of different relationships with narcissists. While this information may help you identify if you are living and dealing with a narcissist, remember that the information shared below is not meant to work as a way for you to diagnose others. It is to help you to gain a greater understanding of what to expect out of these relationships and what you can do to manage them.
A narcissistic parent
Life is all about making things look good to the outside world with a narcissistic parent. They need others to build them up and make them feel good about themselves, so everything needs to be perfect. They view their children as an extension of themselves; therefore, the better the child looks to the outside world, the better people think of the parent.
Obedience is demanded in the home. You do what they say, when they say it, without question. Their kind acts always have strings attached. Parents with NPD tend to use guilt and shame to get their way. Nothing you do is ever enough, so you work twice as hard to be perfect in every area to try to earn their love and affection.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can lead to long-term mental health, emotional wellness, and self-worth challenges. As a child, you only know the situation you're living, so it's nearly impossible for you to know that your parent's behavior was wrong. This leads to challenges as an adult such as:
Indecision
Imposter syndrome
Self-blame and low self-esteem
Trust issues
People-pleasing
Guilt when trying to establish boundaries
Ending up in a romantic relationship with a narcissist
Anxiety from trying to live up to your parent's expectations for your life
As you observe healthy relationships between parents and children, you may feel confused trying to understand your relationship with your parent.
A narcissistic partner
If you're in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they probably swept you off your feet. They may have showered you with gifts and attention like you've never experienced before. They made you feel special, and before you knew it, you were head-over-heels for them. It was a whirlwind romance. This is called love bombing, the practice of overwhelming you with signs of adoration right away so that you are less likely to notice their flaws until it’s too late and you’re already committed.
You couldn't imagine life any better in the beginning, but that phase only lasted a short time. Little by little, their behavior began to change. One day you look around and realize your relationship isn't what you thought, but you have no idea how it got there.
You've pushed your friends and family away, so your significant other is getting all of your time and attention.
You stopped doing activities that you enjoyed to make more time for what your partner wanted to do.
You walk on eggshells, always trying to keep them happy because you know who's getting the blame since they aren't (hint, hint: it's you).
They are wildly jealous and accuse you of flirting, cheating, or trying to be sneaky even though there is no truth to what they say.
Disagreements are pointless because they are always right, and you're always wrong.
You catch yourself wondering if you're crazy because they remember conversations and events differently than you do, and you're not sure which of you is right anymore.
You feel like a shell of your former self.
Any time you start to indicate they are pushing it too far and you're going to be done, they crank up the charm again and lure you back into a false sense of security.
There's a good chance that deep down, you know the relationship isn't healthy, but you're afraid to admit it to yourself or others.
A narcissistic boss or colleague
When you first accepted your position, you were probably excited to work for this person and thought it would be the perfect work situation. Remember, narcissists know how to turn on the charm when needed; however, you start to see their true colors before long.
Here are a few red flags that you might have a narcissistic boss:
There are no boundaries. They have you run their personal errands and expect you to do things outside of your job duties.
They don't thank you or show appreciation for the work you do.
Their title is of utmost importance to them, and they love to name-drop in conversations. Status and perception are everything to them.
Your ideas are never viewed on the same level as their ideas, or they end up taking credit for your successful idea.
Here are a few red flags that you might have a narcissistic colleague:
They dominate conversations and meetings.
Everything is about them. Watercooler talk always has a way of turning back to all the wonderful things happening in their lives. Their office or desk is full of pictures of their beautiful family, expensive vacations, and any awards or certificates they have received.
They are one-uppers. If you have something good to share, they have something better. If you did something exciting over the weekend, they did something even cooler.
In a group project, they will find a way to come out looking like the hero.
How to navigate life with a narcissist without being sucked in
If you realized that you probably have a narcissist in your life, you might be asking yourself, "What do I do now?" It's important to understand that you're not going to change them. Don't waste your time pointing out their behaviors because they will become defensive and likely try to turn the tables on you. Here are some things you can try as you manage life with a narcissist:
Establish healthy boundaries.
If you have to interact with a narcissist, it's important to have boundaries in place to protect yourself. What lines are you not willing to cross or willing to allow them to cross? Once these boundaries are established, it's important to clearly communicate them and then enforce them. Of course, the narcissist in your life will not be happy about this, but it's not about them. It's about protecting yourself. This may sound like, “I’d love to hear about that but I’m heading out for the day. See you tomorrow.” and then walking out even as they try to continue engaging you.
Let them protect their ego.
If you have to interact with a narcissist, it helps to remember they love to have their ego stroked. They may look confident on the exterior, but they long for acceptance and approval inwardly. For example, a little positive interaction can go a long way when interacting with a narcissist at work. They want the conversation to be about them, so if you keep it about them, they are likely to respond well. Don’t go overboard because they will take your words as gospel, but if something objectively went well and they were involved, you can acknowledge that.
Don't waste your time trying to correct them.
Trying to get a narcissist to admit they were wrong about something is a complete waste of your time. They desperately want others to see them as perfect, so they will not respond well if you try to point out an area where they aren't. Unless they are actively hurting a person or situation with their misperception, you can remain silent as they grandstand and not engage at all. They likely won’t even notice.
Accept that you will not receive the apology you are owed.
Narcissists are experts at placing blame, and their deflated ego refuses to take responsibility for wrongs. So if you're waiting for them to apologize to you, you're going to be waiting a long time. In addition, if you try to convince them they need to apologize, they have a way of spinning the conversation to the point that you end up apologizing to them. By the end of the conversation, you may find yourself wondering what in the world happened. You’re better off saying things like, “I recognize that that’s how you feel.” or “I appreciate that you feel that way.”
Learn how to trust yourself.
If you're not careful, being in a relationship with a narcissist can lead to you doubting your instincts and abilities. This results from the emotional abuse that often comes from being in any type of relationship with a narcissist.
You must learn how to analyze situations and conversations and trust your instincts. If you've been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist or grew up with a narcissistic parent, this may be very challenging for you, in which case you may benefit from working with a therapist.
Don't take it personally.
To protect themselves, a narcissist will lie, name-call, and engage in other hurtful, unacceptable behavior. They will do their best to blame you for anything that goes wrong. Remind yourself that their behavior is not about you; it's about them. Allow their words to pass over you without internalizing them. Close your eyes and imagine that you are a shiny, happy duck, and their words are just water gliding over you and off your back.
Keep a close support system.
Narcissists like to isolate people to control them and the information they receive and share with others. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it will take conscious work to keep your support system around you, but it’s imperative that you don’t become distanced from those who love you. Friends and family on the outside may notice things that you cannot see from inside the relationship and while at first you may default to defending the person, take a step back and ask yourself if there is any possible truth to what they’re saying.
Know when it's time to step away.
No matter how hard you try, you're not going to change a narcissist. You are only responsible for and in control of yourself, which can be frustrating when interacting with a narcissist. Therefore, it's important to recognize when you need to step away from the situation or relationship. This may mean changing teams or jobs, ending a romantic relationship, or restricting the amount of time you spend with someone. Engaging in logical, rational discussion with them won’t work the way it would with most other people you experience conflict with.
How to recognize if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse
Narcissists can be highly controlling and abusive. Verbal abuse and manipulation often enter relationships when one partner has NPD. Unfortunately, the very nature of the way the narcissist interacts with you makes it difficult to recognize it until you're so far in the middle, and at that point, you may find yourself doubting your instincts so much you don't know what to think. You may even find yourself looking over your shoulder as you read this for fear that the narcissist in your life will notice and question you about it.
Narcissistic abuse can lead to you:
Feeling helpless and out of control
Struggling to make decisions
Feeling like you're always doing everything wrong
Walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting the person
Feeling like you've lost touch with the person you used to be
Struggling with anxiety and depression
When is it time to get help?
If you're living with or interacting with a narcissist regularly, it's wise to work with a therapist. There are many ways that the relationship can negatively impact you as an individual, and it's helpful to learn coping strategies to protect mental health and emotional wellness. This is incredibly challenging work to do by yourself and will require the aid of someone trained in working with personality disorders to support you in seeing things you may have missed or been manipulated into seeing differently. As they say, you don’t know what you don’t know, and you are not clinically trained in spotting and handling a narcissist.
If you've been interacting with this person for a long time, reaching out to talk to someone can feel like a big, scary step to take. Keep in mind that working with a therapist is simply talking to someone about your situation. It doesn't require you to make any changes, but it helps you explore how to be as healthy as possible. Your therapist will never tell you what to do but may provide you with some feedback that is hard to hear as you process.
Our online therapy for women removes the barrier of attending appointments in person, making it easier than ever to seek support and help if you're in a narcissistic relationship. Reach out to the New York City Psychotherapy Collective today to be matched with the therapist who is right for you.
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