Covid-19 has given all parents and caregivers a crash course in challenging conversations. Some of us feel that they weathered the storm better than others, but all parents and caregivers can agree that it never hurts to have more tools in the toolbox to deal with their children’s emotions.
When trying to talk to your children about their disappointments in canceled events, think about yourself and how you would like to be reacted to when you’re upset or disappointed. You don’t want someone to deny your feelings by telling you it’s not that bad, to question what you could have done differently, to give unsolicited advice, or to tell you to get over it. What you want is someone who is empathetic, who validates your feelings, and who lets you feel them in the moment even if you know that there is no solution and nothing you can do. In the same vein, if your child is upset about a canceled event, trip, or performance, try the following:
Let them express themselves without interruption. Whether they cry uncontrollably, throw a physical tantrum, scream and yell, or slam doors and withdraw, let them. If they are reacting in front of you, let them know you are actively listening by giving them your undivided attention, nodding, and saying things like “I know, I see, mm-hmm, oh.” By actively listening but not trying to interrupt or intervene, you are telling your child that their emotion is valid. All emotions are valid, but it is what we do with those emotions that can be helpful or harmful. If your child is reacting away from you, in their room or another part of the home, give them that space. They may have techniques you don’t know about that are helping them calm down on their own.
Once your child has expressed themselves and appears willing to engage with you, summarize back what you heard from them. Repeat something you heard them say, like “I know you are so upset.” and leave it at that. Parents naturally want to make everything better for their children, so they often jump to adding something like “But we’ll go next year!” Refrain from adding the second part, and just reflect back to your child that you heard them. Often, after you repeat back what they said, they will either clarify by saying something like, “Well I’m not that upset, I’m just really disappointed.” or they will provide further insight, like “I am so upset! Especially because X’s family got to go there already and now he won’t stop bragging that he got to go and no one else will!”
Provide a name for their emotions. Often children don’t think to use words beyond the basic sad/mad/glad spectrum to express how they are feeling. You might say, “I know you are so upset. It must be so disappointing that you can’t do something you’ve been looking forward to AND to be embarrassed by X’s teasing!” This helps children remember that they can have multiple thoughts and feelings all at once, instead of focusing all of their energy on just this disappointment.
Tell your child that if you were in charge of the world, you would make all of their wishes come true. Remind them that you are on the same side, and you are both disappointed in the impact the current situation is having on your lives. If the cancellation is a performance or a game, tell your child how much you were looking forward to watching them. Describe how you were going to be in the audience with flowers or the stands with a big sign, and that you were going to cheer the loudest for them. Helping your child envision the best outcome and reminding them how much you want happiness for them too makes them feel validated and loved, which is ultimately what they are looking for, even if they don’t know it.
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