Every one of us knows someone whose wedding had to be postponed or canceled completely during Covid-19. Now that large gatherings are happening again, some couples are finding that their venue can’t accommodate them for months or even years due to the backlog. How can you support your friends during this time?
When trying to talk to your friends about their disappointment in their canceled wedding, think about yourself and how you would like to be reacted to when you’re upset. You don’t want someone to deny your feelings by telling you it’s not that bad, to question what you could have done differently, to give unsolicited advice, or to tell you to get over it. What you want is someone who is empathetic, who validates your feelings, and who lets you feel them in the moment, even if you know that there is no solution and nothing you can do. Your friends know the facts. They know this isn’t anyone’s fault, they know that everyone who was planning a wedding is in the same position, and they know that there’s nothing they can do right now besides obsess. You telling them that will only make them feel whiny instead of understandably devastated. Instead, when your friends are upset about their canceled wedding, try the following:
Let them express themselves without interruption. Whether they cry uncontrollably, scream and yell, or blame others, let them. These conversations might happen virtually, so you can signal to them that you are actively listening by giving them your undivided attention, nodding, and saying things like “I know, I get it, you’re totally right, mm-hmm, oh.” By actively listening but not trying to interrupt or intervene, you are telling your friend that their emotions are valid and they are allowed to get them all out, no matter how ugly or unreasonable.
If you already had a wedding that they attended, it’s natural to try to think of things that went wrong to make your friend feel better, but it will likely backfire. Even if everything goes wrong, your friend still wants their own story to tell someday. Instead, you can say something like, “You remember how stressed out I was planning my wedding, and that was just regular stress. I can’t imagine how much harder this is for you, not knowing when or how this will all be resolved. I wish I had a magic solution for you but all I can say is how sorry I am that this is happening to you.” Ultimately, people just want to be seen and heard, and this will go a long way towards validating your friend’s emotions and not trying to offer a solution you can’t actually control.
Ask your friend how you can support them. Sometimes we know exactly what we want from someone but are afraid to vocalize it for fear of being demanding, bossy, or especially during wedding time, branded a “Bridezilla.” But your friend might say something unexpected, like “I actually just want to make fun of every tacky wedding I’ve ever seen while I drink wine and cry.” You can make that happen for her. Pull up Love is Blind and start your running commentary while you pour the wine and imitate Jessica. Or maybe she says “I want to pretend weddings don’t exist and talk about this other completely unrelated topic until my brain has fully forgotten I ever planned a wedding.” Bust out your Google private investigator skills usually deployed before a friend’s first date and learn everything you can about that topic to regale her with fun facts. Whatever they ask for, no matter how silly or outlandish, if you can do it in some way, just do it! It doesn’t have to be the way you would handle it, but that’s okay. This is their time to process.
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