T/W: miscarriage, infant loss
There are a lot of awareness days and months on the calendar that get a lot of attention. Most people know Black History Month is in February and Pride Month is in June. And it's important we continue to build awareness around these. But there are also lesser-known awareness days and months trying to bring attention to issues that many people are struggling with such as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
This post may be a little different than what you’re used to seeing here, but since we provide online therapy for women experiencing emotional pain, anxiety, and depression, this is an important area for us to help spread awareness. We even have a therapist specializing in maternal mental health including infertility and loss.
As you will read below, many individuals and families are impacted by pregnancy and infant loss. But it continues to remain one of the taboo topics that people aren't comfortable talking about. This is hurtful for grieving parents. It also reduces the chance that parents are provided with tips and resources that can help them process their loss in a healthy way.
If you've never lost a pregnancy or child before, there is still valuable information in this article including how to help support a friend or family member that is grieving a loss.
Understanding pregnancy loss
There are several terms you may hear in conversations about pregnancy loss. The most common are "miscarriage" and "stillbirth.”
A pregnancy loss is generally considered a miscarriage if it happens before the pregnancy term has reached 20 weeks. Unfortunately, one in four pregnancies is lost before the 28th week.
A pregnancy loss is generally considered a stillbirth if the loss occurs after the 20-week point. In the United States, there are around 24,000 stillborn babies every year.
Some women learn about the loss of their child while trying to listen for the heartbeat during a regular appointment at the OB/GYN's office. Not only do they have to process the loss of their child, but they are also left to go through the difficult process of delivering a baby they'll never get to take home and raise. Others don't learn about the loss of their child until they have delivered and are anxiously awaiting a first cry they won’t get to hear.
The situations may vary, but regardless, the loss and grief are real. And some people experience these outcomes multiple times while trying to become parents.
The disparities in healthcare
While we're talking about statistics and awareness, it's important to point out this is one of the areas where we see the devastating result of disparities in healthcare. Non-Hispanic Black women are around twice as likely to experience a stillbirth than a non-Hispanic white woman. American Indian and Alaska Native Americans also experience a higher stillbirth rate.
Pregnancy and infant loss is a horrible situation to experience regardless of race, income, or any other identifier. Every expectant parent should have access to high-quality, reliable healthcare to limit the chance of loss if at all possible.
What makes pregnancy loss different
When you experience the heartbreaking loss of your child during or after birth, it's something that most people in your life know about. They understand that you are grieving and they do their best to support you through it. They may even grieve alongside you. Pregnancy loss is different.
With so many women experiencing a miscarriage early in their pregnancy, it means many are dealing with the loss of their child before others even know they were pregnant. This adds a unique and difficult layer to the grieving process.
When people know you are grieving, many will try to be aware of it when they interact with you. When people have held your baby in their arms, they experience a tiny fraction of the grief that you experience as the parent. But that's not generally the case if you've experienced a miscarriage.
People are unaware of what you're going through. And even if they know, unless they have experienced it first-hand, it's difficult for them to understand.
It's a lot easier for friends and family to forget about your loss when it didn't impact their daily life. It's a lot easier for your friends and family to forget about your loss when they don't have a visual reminder of it.
But you feel your loss deep and it hurts. The world continues to move on all around you and you feel like you're left to pick up the shattered pieces of your life alone. It may even be difficult for your partner to truly understand what you're going through as they feel the loss in their own way.
Understanding infant loss
The loss of a child before their first birthday is known as infant death or infant loss. There are many different causes involved including Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, more commonly referred to as SIDS. This is the sudden, unexpected, and unexplained death of a baby.
Not only does the loss from SIDS cause grief and pain in the lives of those it touches, but it's also common for expectant parents and new parents to experience fear and anxiety on the chance it could happen.
Some parents deliver children knowing they might not make it to their first birthday. Other parents are caught off guard by the sudden loss of their child. One situation is not harder or easier because they both bring loss and grief.
Difficult feelings and emotions connected to pregnancy and infant loss
The loss of a loved one is always difficult. There are many emotions that grieving family members and friends experience. However, the unique situations that surround pregnancy loss and infant loss can bring added emotions.
Guilt and shame
Some of those difficult emotions mothers may experience after losing an infant or pregnancy include guilt and shame. They feel they are in some way responsible for the loss.
Many women silently struggle with these feelings on their own. If you've lost a child and are living with feelings of guilt and shame, you're not alone. You may experience thoughts such as:
My body failed me.
If only I had done __________ differently.
If only I didn't ___________.
My baby died because of me.
What could I have done to change this?
As a mother, you feel it was your responsibility to protect your child yet it didn't end up the way you expected. The truth is usually there is not anything you could have done differently and the loss was not something that you caused. A therapist can help you work through and process these difficult emotions.
Fear of trying again
Once you've experienced pregnancy or infant loss once, it can feel harder to try to conceive again. You may want to be a parent or add to your family, but experience a lot of anxiety and fear around the entire situation.
If you do become pregnant, you may struggle to enjoy your pregnancy due to being afraid that it will end in loss and heartbreak again. If you deliver a healthy baby, you may experience sleepless nights trying to check and make sure they are still OK and breathing in their bed. A therapist can help you process these emotions so you can move forward in a healthy way.
How to support a friend that's lost a child
Whether your friend lost a pregnancy or lost their infant, they need your support. But it's normal for people to struggle with knowing how to help a grieving friend.
Not everyone is trained in how to assist someone who is grieving. Why do you think so many people bake or send meals to grieving people? It's a practical thing that helps us feel like we're trying to help in some way.
Practical tips to support a friend or family member
Here are some other practical ways that you can support a friend who has lost their child or experienced a miscarriage:
Be present. This could simply be sitting with them so they aren't alone.
Ask to hear about the baby or pregnancy if they are comfortable sharing. If they lost an infant, they may even have pictures they want to share.
Treat them as a parent. When someone loses a child through stillbirth and doesn't have other children, many will not think to treat them as parents.
If they named their baby, use the baby's name when you speak with them.
Ask if you can help with any specific tasks. They may appreciate you taking care of a meal for them or picking up their older children from school for the day.
Attend the memorial service or funeral if there is one.
Give a memorial item or keepsake. This could be anything from a piece of jewelry to a plant. Think about what your friend would like that would be meaningful.
Be aware of the dates. Your friend may struggle when their due date rolls around. Dates like Mother's Day or the anniversary of the loss may be difficult for them.
Be aware of triggering events. Baby showers, first birthdays, and similar events can be difficult for parents who have experienced a loss.
Don't be afraid to tell them you're not sure what to say. It's common to think this is wrong to say, but it can actually communicate respect and that you realize mere words aren't going to bring them comfort.
Remember that the grieving process takes time. Your friend has lost a child and it's not something they will ever "get over." So, do your best to support them as they learn how to move forward in a healthy way.
A final word for those who have lost a pregnancy or infant
Whether you had the opportunity to hold your sweet child in your arms, or you never had the chance, please know you are not alone. And it's OK to talk about it. Share the story of the time you had with your child, even if you never had a chance to feel them move or hold them in your arms. You are still a parent.
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