A few days ago, we celebrated Mother's Day. A day designed to honor and spoil mothers. It sounds nice, right? And it is, for some—like those with a healthy relationship with their mother and those who desired and had children in their ideal situation. But society tends to glamorize motherhood, which can place unbearable pressure on people who struggle with things like the desire to be a mom, the identity shift that occurs in motherhood, how to balance all the responsibilities of life, and the anxiety of the many unknowns that come with raising children
Many women expect motherhood to be the most exciting time of their lives, but the reality doesn't match their expectations. There are many reasons why this is true, but we believe much of it boils down to the unrealistic messages about motherhood.
There is another side of motherhood that gets swept under the rug, which adds to maternal mental health challenges. Becoming a parent is a significant life transition that brings a lot of new challenges. If you don't hear others talking about these challenges, you may feel like you're the only one experiencing them, but you're not. Understanding they are a normal part of the experience can remove some of the pressure you're carrying.
The specific challenges you're facing may differ from others, but below are some of the common challenges of pregnancy and motherhood.
Postpartum depression
One study found that nearly one in seven women are diagnosed with postpartum depression every year, yet it still isn't brought into the conversation enough. The stereotype of what life should look like and how you should feel after having a baby can get in the way of women admitting they're struggling. Remember, you don't need to let the "shoulds" of the world control you.
Research has found that "Reproductive hormones are known to modulate behavioral, emotional and cognitive response, therefore rapid changes in estradiol and progesterone plasma concentrations during pregnancy and labor create a vulnerable terrain leading towards postpartum disorders." In simpler terms: your hormones have a significant impact on your emotions and behavior, and pregnancy and childbirth can cause them to be off-balance which can lead to depression.
Postpartum depression does not mean you're a bad mom, a bad person, weak, or doing something wrong. Your symptoms are a red flag that your body is struggling to balance your hormones, so don't be afraid to get help. Here are some of the postpartum depression symptoms to watch for:
Drastic mood changes
Irritability or anger
Intense anxiety, fear, or worry that disrupts daily life
Feeling guilt, shame, or hopelessness
Difficulty remembering things
Easily distracted
Unable to make decisions
Unable to sleep or oversleeping
Chronic fatigue or loss of energy
Changes in appetite
Feeling disconnected from your baby
Headaches, muscle aches and pain
Scary and intrusive thoughts
Some of the feelings you're experiencing may be common due to lack of sleep and the change in schedule that comes with bringing a new baby home, but don't let that possibility stop you from getting help. Instead, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional about your experience to discover the best treatment plan.
The identity shift of becoming a mom
Not everyone loves the identity shift that comes with having a child. When you go from being yourself as an individual to defined by others as “someone’s mom,” it can be hard to remember who you used to be and how she relates to who you are now. In addition, the responsibilities that come with caring for a child often disrupt the activities you used to enjoy. You may not be able to make it to your weekly yoga class or have that spontaneous drink with coworkers. Some of the things you enjoyed doing may not be possible right now, and change is hard.
Changing hobbies
Babies have a way of taking control of everything. The free time you used to have is no longer free. If you want to continue participating in activities you used to do, it may require extra work and planning. For example, you need to line up someone to watch the baby if you want to go out for the night. Even something as simple as reading can feel like a challenge. Your baby may need your attention, and when you finally have a quiet moment, you may be so exhausted you fall asleep instantly. When you stop engaging in the activities you used to enjoy, you may start to wonder who you are and what you like now.
Changing friendships
Having a baby can also shift your friendships, which can be challenging to accept. If you're the first of your group to have children, you may find that you don't get invited out as often. Your friends may not know how to navigate the transition you're in and may avoid spending time with you. They may think all you want is to sit around and talk about your baby when all you actually want is to talk about anything else. Or, maybe you want to connect more with others in the same stage of life as you, and you find yourself pulling away from your friends. Both options are OK and normal.
Balancing your career
Balancing a career and a personal life can feel difficult enough on its own. But, when you add your role as a mother into the mix, work-life balance may start to feel impossible. How are you supposed to put in the extra hours you need at work to hit deadlines when daycare costs are eating away at your savings account? How are you supposed to stay motivated and productive on the job when part of you wants to be home with your child? Or, how are you supposed to enjoy time at home with your kids when you want to be working?
There's a lot to navigate when it comes to life as a modern woman with a career and family. The first step is silencing the expectations of others and identifying what's most important to you at this moment of life. The answer may change with each changing stage, and that's OK.
Learning who you are now
It can take time to discover who you are now as your life's old parts and new parts begin to balance out. Remember that you don't have to let everything you enjoy go just because you have a baby. It's healthy for you to have time to yourself to enjoy hobbies and friendships.
Missing prebaby life does not make you a bad mom, and it doesn't mean you don't like being a mom or that you hate your baby. It simply means you're human and miss parts of your old life. It's OK to feel that way. On the other hand, the reverse is also true; letting aspects of your prebaby life go or putting activities and interests on pause as you navigate raising a young child is OK.
You need to find what works best for you, and that process can take some time. If you need help navigating the transition, we have therapists who specialize in maternal mental health.
Changes in your relationship
Dating and relationships are complicated, and they don't get easier when you add a child into the mix. Your partner is also adjusting to their new role, and what life looks like as a parent. As a result, you may have different ideas about what you think parenthood should look like. In addition, you're both experiencing disruptions to your routines. This can lead to disagreements and challenges you haven't previously faced.
This doesn't necessarily mean you chose to have a child with the wrong person. It is a stage of transition that you will need to navigate together. Learning to communicate your needs and desires during this time while also listening to your partner's needs is crucial. If you're struggling through this transition, couples counseling may be beneficial.
Striving for perfection amid the unknowns
A trend we're hearing in conversations this year is that we're all overwhelmed and burnt out. We've spent the last two years trying to manage and navigate challenges to our physical health, finances, career goals, relationships, and basic human rights. You're not alone if it feels like a lot to manage, and this is outside of the responsibilities of parenting.
When you bring a new person into your world, one that relies on you for everything, it brings even more responsibility and many unknowns without any breaks. You can't simply pause parenting when you need a chance to recharge. The commitment and pressure are constant, and it's not always easy to handle.
Social media paints unrealistic expectations that mothers are trying and failing to meet. Pancake Saturdays, over-the-top birthday parties, matching outfits, mother-daughter mani-pedis, and more are piling on the pressure to strive for motherhood perfection. It's too much. You can be just as good of a mom in an unmatched sweatsuit with a messy bun cooking frozen pizza as the mom striving to present the perfect social media image of her life.
Should I bring a new life into this chaotic environment?
Let's address the elephant in the room. As we talk about motherhood in 2022, the conversation would be remiss not to include what's currently happening with Roe v. Wade. The world is as chaotic of a place now as ever. We don't need to list the many challenges that exist and events that are happening that could impact your decision to want to bring a new life into this world; you already know them.
It should be your decision on whether or not you want to have a child or add to your family during this time. Six in 10 women who have an abortion are already mothers. Many of those are single women with low incomes. While opposing parties view abortion through a negative lens, they fail to address that the majority may be women who are making a difficult decision so they can best care for the child(ren) they already have. It can be a choice made out of love, but that right to choose is under attack, placing unnecessary stress, fear, and anxiety on women across the country.
Your value and worth do not come from the title of "mom"
Whether you already are a mom, expecting your first child, wanting to have a child, or never planning on going down that path, we want to reiterate that your value and worth as a woman will never come from motherhood. When we place these types of expectations on parenthood, it creates more harm than good.
Your worth and value as a person come from you precisely as you are—mom or not.
If you're struggling with challenges related to pregnancy, childbirth, your role as a mom, or the decision to become one, we have therapists specializing in maternal mental health and life transitions that are ready to provide you the support you want.
Follow the steps below to get started:
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Have a low-pressure, 20-minute call with your therapist to make sure they are the right fit.
Schedule your first session and start on your journey to feeling better right away.
We offer specialized services for related issues like Anxiety, Depression, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and Therapy Specifically for Young Adults. We can help you feel less overwhelmed, more relaxed, and more like the self you want to be.