Do you ever think about how easy it must have been to date for past generations? Back before dating apps took over the scene, the "cool girl" persona became the expectation, and the pandemic added an extra layer of complication to the already difficult dating game. Before you lose yourself in a daydream about time traveling back to the '50s to find The One at the counter of the soda shop, we have some tips that can help you better navigate the dating scene today.
Why is dating so f-ing hard?
First, let's start by reassuring you that you're not alone in thinking dating is hard. It isn't that there is something wrong with you and you're the only one with those feelings. It's a common issue we hear about from our millennial and gen z women. While some of the following examples will be primarily reflective of heterosexual dynamics, many of them affect daters across the spectrum.
Here are some common threads that our therapists have noticed:
The "hook-up culture" has created unrealistic expectations
Many of the women that we see are struggling with remaining emotionally vulnerable and open in the current dating culture. The narratives on womanhood as well as the expectations of casual dating and hook-up culture have created a competition within dating of who can care the least.
This generation of women has been repeatedly taught not to depend on a partner emotionally, financially, or physically. We've been exposed to marriages ending and to constant criticism of women’s emotions.
We've been fed messages of hyper independence, and additionally, this idea of independence and aloofness in dating has been reinforced by narratives of being the "cool girl.”
Trying to be the "cool girl" is wreaking havoc on our emotions
The "cool girl" is emotionally detached. She goes with the flow and doesn't appear to have wants or needs. Heterosexual women in particular who are dating in their 20s and 30s are holding back from expressing what they want and need, which is leaving them confused, hurt, and guarded. When putting up these barriers to emotional vulnerability, intimacy, and any potential heartbreak, they're also creating walls preventing them from experiencing positive emotions while dating.This can include letting someone in, building connection, and feeling joy and love from that connection.
Our emotional safeguards can't be selectively placed on negative or positive emotions alone. The more we work to protect ourselves by retreating within these walls, the fewer emotions we can experience overall.
Dating apps and social media have created additional challenges
Additionally, the role of social media and dating apps has transformed the experience of dating. They create the “grass is always greener” idea that there are constantly other options out there that might be better than the current situation. This can lead to more self-doubt when committing, but can also contribute to exacerbating trust issues within partnerships if people think they have an easy out and can just swipe and find their next partner the next time they are dissatisfied.
Additionally, body image issues and comparisons can be incredibly detrimental to developing confidence while dating and in pursuing relationships. The reality is that we live in a world ruled by unrealistic beauty standards, especially for young women. Modern dating relies heavily on image, specifically dating apps where people are deciding whether or not to pursue you based on thumbnail photos of you, as opposed to meeting you organically.
This can contribute to fears of rejection due to not matching beauty standards or obvious experiences of bias due to these standards. Additionally, social media and filters have created a version of the ideal woman that many young men believe is realistic and natural, which can create feelings of doubt or lowered self-confidence in women.
Love bombing makes it complicated to recognize toxic relationships
A common challenge we see many women face at some point in their 20s and 30s while dating is love bombing. Love bombing occurs when someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior early on, which can seem like love at first sight, but are really more often manipulation tactics. While not all experiences of love bombing result in abuse or truly toxic relationships, they do result in disappointment and pain when expectations inevitably can’t match reality.
Many women experience love bombing at some point on their dating journeys. This experience can be incredibly destructive to self-confidence and self-trust. Women are left wondering:
How can I trust myself to know if anything is genuine or not?
Are no men truly genuine?
What is wrong with me that I attracted someone like this?
Why am I so stupid that I was fooled by this?
This experience is incredibly painful. There are ways to learn how to fight against love bombing or to become aware of it, but most importantly women should learn how to set boundaries, especially in the beginning of any relationship.
How to make dating better for you in 2021 and beyond
If you're ready to have a better dating experience, here are some strategies you can implement:
1. Know what you're looking for
Take some time to get clear with yourself on what you're looking for in a partner. Think through past relationships and ask yourself what you learned, what went right, and what didn't.
Think about how your ideal partner would act and behave. These aren't harsh guidelines that must be followed but they are informative for knowing what standards to hold.
Next, clearly state your standards. Be clear with your expectations, wants, and needs from the beginning. While this can feel terrifying in the world of hook up culture and the fight to prove you don't care, ultimately it will help you determine if this is a person worth pursuing and if they will respect what you're asking for.
It is not shameful to have needs or to ask for them to be met. It is powerful to take that step and walk away from the relationship if it’s not able to serve you.
2. Make your partner an addition to your life, not your entire life
Hold yourself accountable to maintaining boundaries, such as how much time you spend together, to ensure you remain focused in your life outside of your new relationship. The person you're dating should feel like an addition to your life, not a detriment or the entirety of your life.
Make sure you continue to see your friends. Don't wait around for your new partner to ask to spend time together or rearrange your plans if they do ask at the last minute. Both of you should be flexible and often as women, we've been told to accommodate the needs of others.
3. Don't try to be a mind reader
Do not take on the work of trying to read into someone’s emotional shifts or behaviors. Lead in your relationship with the boundaries you feel most comfortable with, and operate from the assumption that if something is wrong or if your partner needs something that they will express that to you.
It is not on you to ask or to have to pry the information out of someone. If this is required in your relationship, it can be a red flag that this is not a healthy relationship for you to stay in long term.
4. Own that vulnerability is strong
The current culture calls for and encourages women to be strong, but what’s missing from that message is that being vulnerable is actually one way to be strong. You don't have to hide your emotions in order to appear strong.
Ultimately, this is a mental shift you can make. Putting yourself out on the line to ask for what you want and need is strong. It's true that this puts you in a position of being vulnerable with another person and when you're vulnerable you can get hurt, but the right person for you will appreciate your vulnerability and won’t exploit it or reject it.
Know that you can get hurt and still be okay. The purpose of life isn't to not get hurt, it is to live.
5. Trust your gut
It's important that you know when to walk away from an unhealthy relationship or a relationship that doesn't align with the life you want to create for yourself.
The best thing you can do is learn to trust your gut in this area. This takes refinement and practice, but ultimately you know your worth, your needs, and your wants. Take the time to account for those and remind yourself of them.
Trust that you aren't ridiculous or needy for asking for those needs to be met and know that if you walk away, there will be someone else who meets those for you.
Don't be afraid to seek help with dating
You don't have to be in an existing relationship to benefit from working with a therapist when it comes to dating. There are many ways a licensed therapist can help you learn how to have better dating experiences.
For example, a therapist can help you process and learn from your past relationships including where things went wrong. A therapist can also help you address any personal challenges and issues you're struggling with that can make dating more difficult than it needs to be. For example, if you are already struggling with work-life balance or social anxiety, adding dating to the mix may be more than you can handle in a healthy way right now. Finally, many couples think that couples’ therapy is only for when things are going wrong, but beginning therapy as a couple can be a huge benefit to your relationship early on, and can identify potential communication patterns that may hurt your relationship down the road and help you learn to intervene before they become insurmountable.
If you want help and support as you work on improving your dating experience, we are ready to help.
Follow the steps below to get started:
Click here to share some information about you so that we can match you with the perfect therapist for your needs.
Have a low-pressure, 20-minute call with your therapist to make sure they are the right fit.
Schedule your first session and start on your journey to feeling better right away.
We offer specialized services for related issues like Anxiety, Depression, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and Therapy Specifically for Young Adults. We can help you feel less overwhelmed, more relaxed, and more like the self you want to be.