The Simple Attitude Change that Will Dramatically Increase Your Quality of Life
What if I told you there was one simple technique that could improve every aspect of your life? No, it’s not a green juice, or the newest superfood, or even meditation, though those all have their benefits. It’s a mindset shift called positive reframing. In this post, you’ll learn what positive reframing is, why it’s necessary, and how you can start practicing it.
Negative words hurt our mental health
I am a huge fan of hyperbole. Why tell someone I am hungry when I can tell them I am wasting away as we speak, punctuated by as many dramatically placed swears as possible, accompanied by a gif?
This approach might be amusing when deployed positively. However, it can also backfire in negative situations and make us feel awful about ourselves.
Using that same mentality:
A setback at work can become a career-ender.
A holiday weight-gain can turn into berating yourself for lack of self-control.
An unexpected breakup can lead to an internal monologue about how unloveable you are.
Our own thoughts can cause stress and anxiety
Negative thinking is so pervasive in our culture. As a result, we often don’t notice this running commentary in our heads, undermining our success.
There are different kinds of ways to engage in negative self-talk:
The first and most obvious kind is directing harmful statements at ourselves.
This includes looking in the mirror and saying, either out loud or in your head, something insulting.
Some examples of this kind of negative self-talk include:
“I look disgusting.”
“I’m so fat.”
“Nothing looks good on me, I might as well give up.”
Women are told constantly how far they are from attaining the moving target of perfection. We are at the point where even goddess/model Chrissy Teigen is getting her armpit fat sucked out to look better in dresses. No wonder we internalize those messages and direct them at ourselves.
The second kind of negative self-talk is deflecting compliments to avoid appearing full of ourselves (a.k.a., confident).
Rather than graciously saying “thank you,” we scramble to find a way to delegitimize the statement.
We respond to “I love your jeans,” with “They were on sale!” This is like apologizing for having good taste and making up for it by saying you got them for a bargain.
This kind of deflection isn’t limited to our bodies or physical appearances, either. Women regularly preemptively apologize for having a thought or opinion, both verbally and in emails.
This may not seem like negative self-talk. However, how much less confident can you get than prefacing your contribution with a qualifier that says your thoughts really aren’t that important?
The last common kind of negative self-talk is the momentary gut reaction that says we’re not good enough.
It is so subtle we usually miss it. How many times have we caught a glimpse of ourselves in a reflection from an unflattering angle and thought, “Ugh...”? Or how many times have we ordered something to eat, silently judged ourselves while eating, and then felt sick and remorseful afterwards?
There’s no further commentary to it. There's no long diatribe towards ourselves and our choices, but that feeling in the pit of our stomachs does not vanish instantly.
That pervasive feeling of self-judgment is probably the most insidious version of negative self-talk. The reason is that it feels like a mist we can never put our fingers on. If asked how often we engage in negative self-talk, we would probably not even remember that moment. If we are not aware of all the ways it can show up, it is impossible to change the habit.
Reframe negative thoughts into positive ones
So then, if negative judgments are everywhere, how DO we change our thoughts? With a technique called positive reframing.
Often called cognitive reframing, positive reframing is a technique of reframing your attitude. This technique is from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). In this approach, people learn how to overcome anxiety and/or depression by:
Identifying hurtful thoughts and beliefs.
Using different strategies to evaluate whether or not the thought is true.
Choosing a different response that is based in strength and acceptance.
Positive reframing is not pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. It is also not about stopping yourself from experiencing negative or painful thoughts and emotions. Instead, it’s about evaluating whether or not you want to believe a thought. Based on your decision, you can decide to support yourself instead of constantly criticizing yourself.
How to start reframing negative thoughts
The key is to start simple. Have you ever declined plans, only to see your friends having fun on social media and immediately experience extreme FOMO? Positively reframing an idea like, “I’m such a loser for staying in when everyone else is out having a good time,” helps it become: “I love that my friends are such extroverts and allow me to have my introverted moments.”
Notice that it doesn’t erase the negative feeling. It also does not designate any one choice as the correct one. Cognitive reframing looks at a situation without assigning blame or judgment. Instead, it simply makes observations about what has happened and what it might mean if a more constructive approach is used instead.
Reframing thoughts does not have to be hard
So how do you break this habit? Here are some examples of positive reframing:
Identify negative self-talk.
Stop and notice when you are having a negative conversation with yourself. Refer back to the examples above to remember that not all negative self-talk is direct and verbal.
Look for evidence.
Identify what evidence supports this idea. For example, if you tell yourself that you are not qualified for a job you want, ask yourself:
1. Do other people with my qualifications have similar positions?
2. Do I have a passion for this work and a willingness to learn?
3. Does the job description have non-negotiable requirements in it that I do not meet, or more general desires for the position?
3. Start to identify patterns.
Are there consistent situations you find yourself in, or behaviors in others, that make you judge yourself?
These are your triggers.
Spend time thinking about where these might come from. Perhaps you had a parent, sibling, friend, significant other, coworker, or boss in the past who treated you a certain way and you felt powerless to respond. As a result, you turned inward to try to regain a sense of control over the situation.
4. Change “I” to “You” in your negative statements.
Rather than saying, “I am so lazy” when you skip the gym again, say “You are so lazy” and notice the difference in how it feels.
You would never tell your best friend, “You look fat and awful” upon seeing her in an outfit. So, why is it okay to do the same thing to yourself?
Externalizing the criticism can help you hear how hard it really is. You’ll hear what you sound like when telling someone you love that they are not good enough. You would never do that.
Cognitive reframing examples
The best way to turn cognitive reframing into a new habit and perspective is to practice it. Changing how you think about yourself, situations, and other people is a skill you can develop. You can even get good at it!
Practice positive reframing every time you notice yourself engaging in negative self-talk.
Negative self talk can show up in any situation, in a variety of statements. That means you can have various opportunities to practice this reframing technique.
Here are some examples of cognitive reframing to help you start practicing:
“I can’t believe I ate the whole thing, I’m so disgusting. No wonder my pants don’t fit.”
Replace with: “I ate the whole thing and don’t feel so well now. I am not going to beat myself up over it but hopefully next time I am tempted, I’ll remember this unpleasant feeling.”
“I haven’t lost any weight, even though I’ve been working out. If it’s not even going to work, I might as well save the money on a gym membership and lie on my couch.”
Replace with: “I’ve been working out because I value my body and want it to be strong and powerful, and to keep me healthy for a long time. Fitness is an investment in my future, even if I don’t see immediate, aesthetic results.”
“I hate going to the gym. I should skip it today.”
Replace with: “I always feel so great after working out that I look forward to that endorphin rush. It takes the hard work of actually getting there for me to reap that reward, but it’s worth it.”
“I hate my job, I hate my coworkers, I hate everything. I don’t want to adult anymore.”
Replace with: “Things are tough right now and I’m feeling pretty disconnected from work. I wonder if I can change anything about my job, my situation, or even my expectations about my job, and start to feel better.”
“I got ghosted, again. Obviously I’m worthless and no one will ever love me. I’m just going to die alone.”
Replace with: “I learned some lessons about what I do and don’t want in a relationship, and every experience gets me closer to finding the right fit.”
“I’m in so much debt. I’m so irresponsible. I’m never going to climb out of this hole so I might as well treat myself.”
Replace with: “This mountain of debt can feel insurmountable when I look at the whole thing, but there are probably small steps I could start taking to improve my situation in the long run.”
Next steps in developing a positive mindset
Reframing is key to accepting that negative thoughts exist and can even have value. They can show us where we want to examine something and potentially change it, or at the very least change how we feel about it.
Pretending negative thoughts don’t exist will only add more shame and self-judgment on top of our negative feelings because now we also feel bad about feeling bad! Practice accepting that you are a human being, emphasis on the verb being. You are a work in progress.
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