There are a lot of different reasons why women in NYC decide to reach out to an online therapist. We hear from women regularly who have anxiety at work, struggle with relationships, want to resolve their feelings about their parents, or build stronger coping skills. However, many of the women we work with ultimately come to share similar experiences and the same underlying frustrations. 

They are constantly wondering things like:

• Why do I feel so responsible to make sure everyone is having fun?

• Why is my thinking so all or nothing?

• I am so hard on myself all the time, why can’t I stop?

They’re sitting there noticing what isn’t working in their lives but cannot figure out why they don’t believe they deserve the rest, the break, or to accept the grey areas of life. Many times after listening to the frustrations that our clients are experiencing it brings us to this point: the pain of perfectionism.

Hearing this leads some women to have an "aha" moment, but many push back. "What do you mean? I'm not clean or neat. I don't care about everything having to be perfect. I just work too much... that's not perfectionism."

Our therapists hear similar statements like this from our clients regularly. This article aims to help you identify if this is an area you may be struggling with so you can learn how to manage it and move forward.

If this is ringing true for you, keep reading.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism, the way it presents with the young adults and adults we work with, does not always fall in line with the pop culture references of a "Type A" perfect student or employee. You don’t have to be intensely organized or clean. You don’t have to follow an intense routine or structure. But, ultimately, underlying all of your feelings of worthlessness, failure, or feeling like you aren’t doing what you “should” be doing is the belief that there is a perfect way for things to be done.

We're here to tell you, there isn’t.

Here are some of the signs your underlying struggle may be with perfectionism.

All or nothing thinking

Perfectionism can look like many things. Often it looks like "black or white" or "all or nothing" thinking. Perfectionists set a goal in their mind but if they do not achieve that goal the way they think they should or to the extent they think they should (think working a certain number of hours, having a relationship that looks a certain way, etc.), then they are not satisfied.

There is a feeling of failure and a constant need to do better. This takes away the joy and satisfaction from almost all achievements and moments of pride.

Being highly critical of yourself and others

Another sign of struggling with perfectionism is being highly critical of yourself (and sometimes others). When you “fail” or don’t achieve whatever goal you’ve set in mind the way you want, you beat yourself up and are highly critical of your own shortcomings (true or not).

Additionally, the desire and ability to achieve are often pushed by fear, the fear of failing or of not being good enough. All of this often leads to feelings of low self-esteem and less enjoyment and satisfaction in life.

Basing your value and worth on your performance

Perfectionists have a tendency to base how they feel about themselves on their performance and results. When things are going well, they feel good about themselves, but when things don't reach the level they are shooting for, they see it as evidence of unworthiness.

Take a moment to think about how you view and feel about making mistakes. Do you view it as a learning opportunity? Or, does the thought of making a mistake lead you to feel like you're not good enough overall as a person?

The myth of perfectionism

You may be reading this thinking, “Hey a little self-criticism isn’t too bad if it gets me to reach my goals, right?” That's the tricky part of perfectionism—it often gets you to achieve goals and to push yourself but that only leads you to want and expect to be perfect even more.

There is no acceptance or celebration of your goals or successes. Your accomplishments never feel like enough or something to be recognized and celebrated. You just continue raising the bar on yourself over and over again.

In addition, you may find you're struggling with procrastination. It's easy to feel like you're not a perfectionist when you're falling behind on projects at work or the to-do list you have at home, but the two can be directly related.

When you set the expectation of perfection for yourself, it can be overwhelming to take action on anything. After all, you can't fail if you haven't done anything yet, right? If you're not exactly sure what steps you need to take to succeed perfectly, it becomes easier to push off getting started at all. This isn't the stereotype many have for perfectionists which makes it easy to miss the connection.

Learning to overcome perfectionist behaviors

Overcoming perfectionist behaviors does not mean that you have to start to settle for less than what you can do. You don't have to drop all expectations for yourself. You can still push yourself while feeling more satisfied and happier in your life by addressing the underlying root of perfectionism. 

So if you’re sitting here thinking, "Great, what am I supposed to do with this?" Here are some tips to help.

1. Notice perfectionism in your life

You can't address something that you don't acknowledge, so the first step is learning to notice the perfectionist thinking and behaviors in your life. Start identifying these moments of stress and anxiety and remind yourself what is behind them.

Our brains enjoy patterns of thinking and the ability to expect how we or others may respond in certain situations. Perfectionism aims to create that sense of control. However, we can teach our brains how to identify these moments or these thought tendencies and work towards adjusting them to a more kind and self-loving stance.

2. Explore your underlying thoughts

Once you identify when you’re living from a perspective of perfectionism, begin to explore the underlying thought. Why do you want this to be perfect? What happens if it isn’t? What is the actual worst-case scenario of not achieving perfection here? What would “good enough” look and feel like?

Working through your thoughts and the answers to these questions may help alleviate some of the pressure you're placing on yourself and others. The answers to these questions may also help you identify other thoughts and experiences in your life that would be helpful to address as well.

3. Practice self-love and appreciation

If you have been living with a perspective of perfectionism, it's time to shift your focus and reframe your thoughts. Through affirmations, journaling, or even just talking to yourself, challenge yourself to practice gratitude.

• Acknowledge the ways you have succeeded in making yourself proud.

• Acknowledge your growth.

• Acknowledge all the things in your life to be grateful for outside of achievement.

4. Shift from an outcome-oriented mindset to a value-oriented mindset

Intentionally work on identifying the value in the work that you do and activities you spend your time on. Even when a situation doesn't turn out exactly as we want and work for it to, there is something to be gained from the experience.

We cannot control outcomes all the time. We cannot be perfect. But we can see the value in our lives day to day, in our efforts to work hard and do our best. And that is enough.

Are you ready to make changes in your life?

Do you feel like this was written for you? Do you struggle to feel like you are meeting the expectations that you have for yourself? Does making one little mistake leave you feeling like a complete failure? Are you tired of the constant pressure you feel in your daily life and ready to make a change?

We don't want you to continue living that way. There are many different reasons why you may be struggling with perfectionism, but the New York City Psychotherapy Collective is here to help. We want you to feel empowered and motivated to go after the life you want while experiencing inner peace and knowing your true worth and value along the way.

Taking the steps listed above can help you start to recognize and overcome perfectionism in your life but it can be helpful to work with a therapist as you navigate making real and lasting changes in this area. Things can be better and we can help you get there.

Follow the steps below to get started:

• Click here to share some information about you so that we can match you with the perfect therapist for your needs.

• Have a low-pressure, 20-minute call with your therapist to make sure they are the right fit.

• Schedule your first session and start on your journey to feeling better right away.

We offer specialized services for related issues like Anxiety, Depression, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and Therapy Specifically for Young Adults. We can help you feel less overwhelmed, more relaxed, and more like the self you want to be.

Contact us here to get started today!